he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
