i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
