hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
