I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
