Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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