My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
