We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
