wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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