My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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