so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
