Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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