The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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