My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
