I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
