im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
