just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
