Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
