Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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