I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
