She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
