I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
