These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
