VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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