Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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