he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
