Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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