i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
