I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
