Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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