Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
