the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
