i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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