I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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