Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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