"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
