I accidentally had phone sex last night
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
