Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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