I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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