First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
