ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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