everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
