I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
