I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
