to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
