dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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