just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
