My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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