My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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