Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I checked into jail on foursquare
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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