I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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