I faked an abortion last night.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
